Quatorze's 寫給我媽的一份信.

Quatorze's

❤ 生活簡單,就好。






嘿!嘿!嘿!;起始於2010-12-25。



寫給我媽的一份信.

2009/02/21 22:09
「題記」

  DT的作業。「寫給家長的一封信」。今天偶爾翻到。很有感慨。所以就打成電子稿。看看落款的日期。呵呵。



「正文」

媽:

  這是第二次正式地寫信給你。上一次是學農的時候了。可後來我把它藏了起來。

  我不知道在你的眼中我屬於哪一種人?因為偶爾的我也會冷漠與自私。也許是這個階段的一種情緒所致,變得敏感以致神經質。我也開始保有自己的秘密與堅持。有時候,我真的不知道該怎麼講出來。所以,我選擇沉默。倘若難過可以在一個人的心裏埋葬,又何須過多的寬慰?或許我真的很倔,倔到學會了不輕易表達悲傷。在這種日子裏,總覺得傷感是會傳染的病。不該讓它蔓延。

  我覺得自己不屬於特別乖的小孩,不是乖到任由父母擺佈的那種小孩。如果我這樣活著,早就不會是現在的我。我承認自己在安靜的眼神背後有著些許的叛逆。其實這樣的我也曾經讓自己不安。我以為自己變了。現在看來,也許只是一場小小的感冒。

  青春,到底是什麼?池莉寫過一篇文章,「生命是用來揮霍的」。這種揮霍是強烈地投入一種情緒。算不算是內心的釋放?於我,對人生價值的定義便是需要真實,單純的真實,以及創造生活的歡愉。

  前幾日去圖書館。晚上很晚才回來。想了很多。

  當我無法控制情緒的時候就喜歡一個人,一個人處於陌生的人群裏。以為那樣可以防衛住人性的虛偽與脆弱。十七年來,我沒有過任何的人生目標。只是被時間推著去完成一個又一個任務。對。我只是把它們當作是該完成的事,從沒想過自己到底渴望去追尋是什麼。那幾天開始,我的腦海裏多了個念頭。我不知道這個暫定的目標值不值得我奮鬥。但我忍不住那麼想去抓住它。假使這個世界存在許多荒唐的事,我希望自己不是其中的一個。

  熬夜的時候會思考些東西。以前不大明白自己到底寄予了生活什麼。所以現在,我不斷告訴自己,我就是要變成那樣的。喜歡「奮鬥」裏的米萊。可是她封閉了自己的心。最後她解脫了。這是我想追求的,內心的自由與開闊。如果我走過了這兩年,真正認清了自己,便獲得了心靈上的向往。

  但願一切都是值得的。

  如同往昔,期待未來……



  2008年10月8日



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